Paganism, polyamory and AIDS

For the last...longer than a month and shorter than a year I've set aside my paganism. Not in a forever kind of way, just in a...absence makes the heart grow fonder kind of way. I felt angry with the Gods for what life I had been handed. I needed time to grow in the darkness. I knew I would come back to the light, but I didn't know when. I trusted in my process and set aside my pentacle. I normally wear it every day. I don't remove it. Not for anything. I can't say when precisely I took it off, or why even...but removing it was like stepping into the darkness. I didn't tend my alter, I didn't thank any Gods for anything, I lived my life apart from them. Never did I renounce my spirituality, I was just taking a break. Within the last month I've slowly come into the light. I see better what I couldn't see before. I have alot of work to do. There is quite a bit of forgiveness, acceptance and standing strong that needs to happen. When you take a break, your "to-do" list tends to pile up. That's ok, I am more equipped for it.

I wanted to put my pentacle back together, restring it on something pretty for Samhain celebration. I haven't taken it off again just yet. Then a thought came...I always wear shirts that don't hide my necklaces, they are lower cut and so whatever I wear around my neck stands out against my very white skin. When I go to work today...do I want Ns family to see my symbol? You see I talk a good talk of activism here behind my computer screen. Yet I've gotten very comfortable being accepted and respected...do I trust them to treat me the same? We'll find out because I'm not taking it off.

I'm very much looking forward to finishing the book Pagan polyamory. I'm almost done with it and I'm very glad. Its been a great book but its (of course) brought up so many issues within myself that have sprung up a wellspring of depression and tears. Not because I NEED someone in my life right now...its really not about loneliness, its more a feeling of conflict within myself. You see...I am in my very nature polyamorous. I did not, and frankly would not choose to be poly. I just...am. Now it is also that I am HIV+. Neither of these things can I do anything about, however I really feel that the two are incompatible. I have heard (from Pete mostly) that this is not the case but I can't help feeling this way. I can't rectify it, I can't alter it, and I can't seem to come to terms with it. So for now..I shall set it aside, but...it hurts right now.

It would be very very hard to be with someone sexually who was HIV- because the fear of spreading the disease....giving it to my loved one...that would kill me. That would be devastating. However, falling for someone who is + and adding all of the health concerns that come with someone else's disease would be so hard. Just the health worries between Pete and I leave us in tears many nights. Its scary, its worrisome, its annoying and it makes you want to scream. Getting with someone else with these same things....I just don't know if I could handle that. I just don't know.

Those that know me know that I don't and won't put limits of any sort on love. If love comes my way I will take it up no matter it looks like. No matter what shape love takes I will take it up. We don't have age limits, hair color limits, weight, height, sex, sexual orientation, gender orientation...no limits. However...to think on it just makes ones head spin!

I have alot more to say...specifically about K, but this entry has been rather draining and has taken me quite long enough to think out and type. So..I shall leave it at that for now. Have a blessed day.

PS. Pete finally wrote something over at Ask him ask her! I am trying very very hard to keep it balanced between the two of us, so I gave him a deadline because he was "behind" in essays. He had until Sunday (I told him this on Tues) to get something written. He wrote, albeit today (Monday) it got written none the less.