River Houston's Poem

I found it! The poem I wanted to find yesterday, finally found it. This is called "Death is for the dead" by River Houston

AIDS AIDS AIDS
fuck it man I'm saying it
when I asked my mama what fuck meant she said
fuck, fuck fuck
the world looks and sees what it wants
they have memorials written
they have you wasted and dead
skeleton in your bed
AIDS AIDS AIDS
Oliver Wendell Holmes
once said
"To find true happieness get a terminal illness
and take real good care of your self."
real good care pajama parties cookies and milk
afternoon naps kinda care
lots of LOVE LOVE LOVE
I see angels flying
above everyone's head
miracles all day long
in oranges brown fat crawly bugs
on the big time journey across the towpath
ducks in winter Ginkgo trees raining yellow
GINKGO GINKGO GINKGO
my dog smiling and wagging its tail
to the rhythm of three sweet altos
"Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door"
Rivers are always miracles
they aren't stopped by rocks
bridges boulders beer bottles
old tires dead bodies
or even dead refrigerators
they go around over above under
embracing all they touch
they never go back to the beginning
to get it right
changing forever seeking accepting expanding being
We have moral worlds filled with Gods
Buddha Christ Vishnu Mohammed and Henry
the hitchhiker's god
they walk us through to the end
shedding our named coats
our finely pressed out laid out
figured out fitted in life suits
no expectations no more
mundane earthly matters
9-5 skull famine
weight-loss facelifts fashion statements
free to go home
the early release program
do the mambo till dawn
safe sex erotic safe sex
free of judgment, guilt and shame
death is for the dead
and living is for every one else
AIDS AIDS AIDS
hey I said it
don't memorialize metaphorize
hypnotize catergorize or sanitize me
its hard enough living with an illusion
no more sympathetic death sentence eyes
I'm not dead dying
no siree bob I'm living
just thought I'd let you know

World AIDS day

I was looking around for my favorite poem about AIDS but..I can't find it to save my life. Whatever...I do have a cafepress store that sells items to get the word out about HIV AIDS, its linked on the right over there, check it out, good stuff.

Here's a link to my story. Tells it pretty well I think. My feelings about HIV, If someone tells you they are HIV+ here's a good way to deal with it. And finally, here's some truth about the disease.

Now onto updates on my life. Buddy is doing much better, he's back to his playful, eating, puppy self. We went and got Lily her booster shots just in case, so she's all updated and feeling good. Its been raining here and the dogs DO NOT like the rain. Which sucks because then they have indoor accidents...*sigh*

We did get out for a walk today in spite of the rain. Buddy did well, Lily was a bit pissed off to be out in the rain but they did good.

Yesterday as we were driving about we were coming home and saw a dog running down the side of the road. I really wanted to stop, we live on a busy street! Thats how we ended up keeping Buddy however so...we didn't stop. The dog had a collar on so we hoped that someone else would stop and get him/her. I guess no one did because we were going for our walk today and he was dead on the side of the street. I just...my god. Am I the only one who cares for animals!?

I'm excited, D and P are coming over tonight. They won some money on a scratch it and they're spending all of it on soaps! Turns out that the amount they want to spend is exactly how much soap I have left. Crazy no!? I'm stoked because that means everything I need for Christmas presents will be fresh.

Paganism, polyamory and AIDS

For the last...longer than a month and shorter than a year I've set aside my paganism. Not in a forever kind of way, just in a...absence makes the heart grow fonder kind of way. I felt angry with the Gods for what life I had been handed. I needed time to grow in the darkness. I knew I would come back to the light, but I didn't know when. I trusted in my process and set aside my pentacle. I normally wear it every day. I don't remove it. Not for anything. I can't say when precisely I took it off, or why even...but removing it was like stepping into the darkness. I didn't tend my alter, I didn't thank any Gods for anything, I lived my life apart from them. Never did I renounce my spirituality, I was just taking a break. Within the last month I've slowly come into the light. I see better what I couldn't see before. I have alot of work to do. There is quite a bit of forgiveness, acceptance and standing strong that needs to happen. When you take a break, your "to-do" list tends to pile up. That's ok, I am more equipped for it.

I wanted to put my pentacle back together, restring it on something pretty for Samhain celebration. I haven't taken it off again just yet. Then a thought came...I always wear shirts that don't hide my necklaces, they are lower cut and so whatever I wear around my neck stands out against my very white skin. When I go to work today...do I want Ns family to see my symbol? You see I talk a good talk of activism here behind my computer screen. Yet I've gotten very comfortable being accepted and respected...do I trust them to treat me the same? We'll find out because I'm not taking it off.

I'm very much looking forward to finishing the book Pagan polyamory. I'm almost done with it and I'm very glad. Its been a great book but its (of course) brought up so many issues within myself that have sprung up a wellspring of depression and tears. Not because I NEED someone in my life right now...its really not about loneliness, its more a feeling of conflict within myself. You see...I am in my very nature polyamorous. I did not, and frankly would not choose to be poly. I just...am. Now it is also that I am HIV+. Neither of these things can I do anything about, however I really feel that the two are incompatible. I have heard (from Pete mostly) that this is not the case but I can't help feeling this way. I can't rectify it, I can't alter it, and I can't seem to come to terms with it. So for now..I shall set it aside, but...it hurts right now.

It would be very very hard to be with someone sexually who was HIV- because the fear of spreading the disease....giving it to my loved one...that would kill me. That would be devastating. However, falling for someone who is + and adding all of the health concerns that come with someone else's disease would be so hard. Just the health worries between Pete and I leave us in tears many nights. Its scary, its worrisome, its annoying and it makes you want to scream. Getting with someone else with these same things....I just don't know if I could handle that. I just don't know.

Those that know me know that I don't and won't put limits of any sort on love. If love comes my way I will take it up no matter it looks like. No matter what shape love takes I will take it up. We don't have age limits, hair color limits, weight, height, sex, sexual orientation, gender orientation...no limits. However...to think on it just makes ones head spin!

I have alot more to say...specifically about K, but this entry has been rather draining and has taken me quite long enough to think out and type. So..I shall leave it at that for now. Have a blessed day.

PS. Pete finally wrote something over at Ask him ask her! I am trying very very hard to keep it balanced between the two of us, so I gave him a deadline because he was "behind" in essays. He had until Sunday (I told him this on Tues) to get something written. He wrote, albeit today (Monday) it got written none the less.